A Question of Guttenberg

This one is a little bit special.

It's the first Guttenberg film. A full ten years before he would dazzle us in Three Men & A Baby, a young Steve Guttenberg proudly donned the mantle of "professional actor" as he took on the challenging and special role of Mike Cappelletti in the classic film A Question of Life (aka Something for Joey). Do you think it was a coincidence that this momentous occasion occurred in the year in which I was born? Me neither.

Steve isn't the star here. He plays the brother of the two main characters, and has very little screen time. But when he's there, is he supportive of young Joey? Oh, I think you know he is.

It's a bit of a long film, but this is the plot (from the imdb.com)

This is based on the true story about the relationship between Penn State football player John Cappelletti and his younger brother Joey, who has leukemia. John and Joey's bond is a strong one. Joey hangs out with John in the Penn State locker room, and inspires him to be the top college football player in the country. Their bond knows no boundaries and goes beyond making touchdowns and winning awards.

It's very touching. Joey and John are close. Joey inspires John to win the coveted Heisman trophy. Joey dies.

It's very sad. Yet, very inspirational. And fabulously seventies. Oddly enough, though, Joey and his mother look nothing like this:

I'm not sure why the artist chose to depict two people who do not appear in the film. It's a bit of a mystery.

A classic Guttenberg film. A momentous Guttenberg moment. Pure Guttenberg gold.


Title: A Question of Life (aka Something For Joey)

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 20

Purchased: on eBay

Price: £5.79

Seeing the genesis of the Guttenberg Film Dynasty: Priceless.

Three Men & Hilarity

Of all the films featured in the Steve Guttenberg Project, this is the film that has had the most devoted searcher.

You may remember that way back in July, a mere week or so after the mission started, Abby had a possible lead on the classic film Three Men & A Little Lady. Sadly, it turned out she was thinking of a copy of Sister Act recorded off the television that her mother had thrown out.

I appreciated her attempt, but figured that this was one that I’d have to track down for myself. Imagine my delight when I received this email:

Hello Alice,

Remember when I led you on by telling you that I could get you a copy of Three
Men and a Little Lady? And it turned out to be a cruel lie?

Well, I was so upset at having to let you down that I have been trawling the
charity shops of Beckenham High Street ever since, and on Saturday I got my
reward!

Yes, I have found you a copy of 3MAALL! Hooray!!

So, if you would be so kind as to send me your address, I'll pop Mr G and his crazy pals in the post to you!

He he!

Abby

How amazing is that? I sent her my address and before you knew it, I had my hands on this little beauty.

I firmly believe that Steve Guttenberg is at his most likeable as comic writer and one-of-three dads Michael.

He has a bit of the unfortunate role in this movie of being neither Mary’s biological father (Ted Danson) or her mother’s love interest (Tom Selleck). He’s more the fun dad who brings you presents and plays with you, but who you really wouldn’t rely on for anything serious.

I especially appreciated this film because I live in England now, and of course, the dramatic climax of the movie involves Tom Selleck’s Peter flying to England to stop the marriage of Mary’s mother to some director guy.

We then get a nice lesson in “American stereotypes of the British”. Unpleasant director man lives in a huge English manor, he’s incredibly posh, they won’t let Mary do things like play inside, they’re going to send her to boarding school, blah, blah, blah.

There are some “hilarious” moments in involving Peter and Michael driving a mini through a road full of sheep.

But the plot’s not really the point here, is it?

We’re looking at our good buddy Steve and his delightful antics. I have two words for you – bedtime rap.

How can you not love ANY movie that contains Ted Danson wearing an alarm clock around his neck as the three of them painfully “rap”?

Title: Three Men & A Little Lady

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 21

Purchased: By the lovely and fabulous Abby

Trying to erase the bedtime rap from my mind: Priceless.

Guttenberg on the Moon!

Amazon Women on the Moon is a bit of an odd fish in the world of the Guttenberg film.



It doesn’t star Steve, or really anyone for that matter. It’s more like a series of sketches (some very funny, some just strange and some painfully unfunny) one of which stars our good buddy Steve Guttenberg.

Let’s concentrate on his sketch, called "Two I.D.'s", since that’s why we’re here. He plays a young man who arrives to pick up Rosanna Arquette for a blind date. To his (and our!) hilarious surprise, she demands a credit card and some ID before the date, and does a relationship check. And what does she find? Why, he’s a bit of a player and has a saucy reputation of using the same lines to get the ladies in the sack.

I mock, but it’s actually quite funny.

The rest of the movie is a bit hit and miss, but such is the nature of such an odd film.

This movie was released at the height of Guttenberg fame – just post Police Academy and pre Three Men & A Baby.

I’d probably watch it again, but skip through the not funny bits.

Huh. I have surprisingly little to say about this movie. Odd.

Title: Amazon Women on the Moon

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 22

Purchased: On ebay

Price: £2.85

Hearing Steve Guttenberg use a line about sushi to seduce the ladies: Priceless.

Go team, go!

What do you get when you combine orphans on the brink of homelessness, soccer, a French Canadian social worker and the Gütt as a scandal ridden former athlete (or coach, or something like that)?

The best darn Canadian film I’ve seen in absolutely ages.

It’s 1998’s Home Team, and it’s fun for the whole family.

Steve plays a disgraced former athlete, or coach, or something like that (I have to confess – I got a bit confused there) who is sentenced to a year of working as a handyman in an house for orphans for some kind of gambling related charge. Or an “orphanage” as some might call it.

There’s some weird sexual tension with the woman who runs the house – I thought she was a nun, but apparently she’s just a social worker, so it’s okay if they hook up.

Steve clashes with the kids and doesn’t want to get involved because, you’ll never guess – HE was an orphan and knows these kids need tough love and to learn that they can’t rely on anyone, ever.

Will the kids change his mind? Will the soccer team they’re forced to play on bring them all together? Will they save their house and avoid having to live in the funeral home down the road (don’t ask)?

I think you’ll find that the answers yes, yes and oh my yes.

I was absolutely delighted to find out that this movie was Canadian. I am a huge supporter of bad Canadian movies – especially if they star the Gütt.

I’ve got to confess. I didn’t really pay attention to this movie, as I was doing some cleaning when it was on. But it didn’t look half bad. The kids aren’t that annoying, and it had a few moments that actually made me laugh out loud. And the romance with the French Canandian not-nun weren’t too painful. On the whole, it wasn’t too bad.

And that’s saying quite a bit – we are in the late nineties overacting phase of Guttenberg’s career here.

Title: Home Team

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 23

Purchased: On ebay

Price: £3.00

Fantastically cheesy Canadian goodness: Priceless.

Are you going to eat that sandwich?

This is one of the most exciting Gütt films – it’s one of the ones I was actually looking forward to owning. It’s 1982’s Diner!

I purchased it in the great Ebay binge of Summer 2005, but since I haven’t been adding to the mission as often as I should, the delightful Alexcia brought me a copy on DVD. See you later VHS copy!


For those of you not familiar with this classic film (and you all should be, so go and rent it immediately if you haven’t seen it already), it’s set in Baltimore in the late 50’s.

The Gütt plays Eddie, one of six friends who hang out at a diner (hence the title) in Baltimore. The movie’s not really about anything. It’s more the relationships between the guys, and their girlfriends/wives. But not in a pukey, sappy way.

Steve’s character Eddie has one of the classic moments in the film – he gives a football (for you Brits, that’s American football, not soccer) quiz to his fiancée two days before his wedding. If she fails, the wedding’s off. Clearly, this guy is a keeper.

This film has some of my favourite movie dialogue of all time. I can’t think of another movie that captures the way friends really talk to each other – it’s full of conversations that don’t advance the plot or serve any purpose other than being hi-freaking-larious.

This one may be my favourite. And, of course, it features the Gütt.

MODELL (to Eddie): What's that, roast beef?
EDDIE: Don't ask me this anymore, Modell. Yes.
MODELL: Gonna finish that?
EDDIE: Yeah, I'm gonna finish it. I paid for it; I'm not going to give it to you.
MODELL: Because if you're not gonna finish it, I would eat it...but if you're gonna eat it—
EDDIE: What do you want?! Say the words.
MODELL: No,...if you're gonna eat it, you eat; that's all right.
EDDIE: Say the words: "I want the roast-beef sandwich." Say the words, and I'll give you a piece.
SHREVIE: Would you guys cut this out? I mean, every time…

It’s also a film that’s chock full o' future stars. It co-stars Kevin Bacon (in his first major role), Ellen Barkin (in her first film), Daniel Stern (first major role), Mickey Rourke (before he became a scary plastic man), Paul Reiser (in his first film), Timothy Daly (ditto), and of course, the Gütt.

Amusingly, at the time, Steve was the actor with the most experience. And, of all the cast, has he gone on to the most illustrious career? I’ll leave that for you to decide.

The DVD has the added bonus of a documentary featuring interviews with all the cast, and director Barry Levinson. It’s very enjoyable, made even more so by the tantalizing absence of Mickey Rourke and several veiled comments to arguments and stress amongst the cast. Could Mickey Rouke be involved in a 20 year feud with the Gütt? We can only hope so!

Title: Diner

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 24

Purchased: By Alexcia, and delivered all the way from Canada.

Owning a movie I probably would have bought anyway: Priceless.

Casper-tastic!

I've had a lot of support for the project, from lots of people, and it's all been very exciting. Some people have searched for any Guttenberg film, and some people have been keeping their eyes open for one particular film.

Sarah is one of the second group. And which film was it that she was looking for?

Casper: A Spirited Beginning.

Interesting, no?

But strange motives for purchases aside, her own personal mission means that we can tick another box on the Guttenberg mission.

Released in 1997, this is a weird mix of CGI and live action. It begins with a train journey with young Casper trying to figure out what's going on and where he is. Because he is a dead little boy who doesn't realize that he's dead.

Clearly, the perfect beginning to a children's movie.

Steve plays the father of the kid on the front. He is a BAD DAD. He's an architect who is trying to revitalize his town by pulling down haunted old abandonded mansions and put up strip malls. Lori Loughlin, also known as television's favourite Aunt Becky, plays the kid's teacher, who is violently opposed to the pulling down of haunted old abandonded mansions and putting up strip malls.

Will these crazy opposites attract? Oh, I think they will.

There's a LOT of overacting in this movie, but from everyone, so we can't really place the blame on poor Steve Guttenberg.

It ends up with everyone living happily ever after and no one pulls down the haunted old abandonded masion.

Title: Casper - A Spirited Beginning

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 25

Purchased: By the delightful Miss Sherlock

Steve as a BAD DAD who is reformed by a ghost: Priceless.

Aw, he's a good guy!

Via the LA Daily News:

DOING HIS ALL: Steve Guttenberg is calling upon fellow famous folk to roll up their sleeves and get to work, literally, on behalf of Hurricane Katrina evacuees. He decided to do just that and arrived at the Houston Astrodome last Tuesday. There, he's been working as an American citizen, he says, rather than as a celebrity - doing everything from loading cots to sanitizing toys to taking evacuees to buy supplies. He says he will stay "as long as I can," until he starts a movie at month's end. "I feel blessed in that I was able to come. I don't have a 9-to-5 job. What's great about being well-known is, when you come down here anonymously, put on a baseball cap and a wristband and do regular jobs, people 'discover' you, and they get a great kick out of it," says Guttenberg - who's getting so much recognition from "Police Academy" fans, he's reaching out to other "Police Academy" cast members to come join him.

He holds the strong view that "it's time to help, not time to have a big party with celebrities congratulating themselves and doing their latest hit songs. It's like watching the Oscars - rich people getting awards. That's why I'm respecting Sean Penn - he's down here with the people.

He's such a good guy! I'm going to update the mission in his honour!

Citizens on Patrol ... on the streets of my heart

I was recently back in Toronto, and met my good friend Aaron for lunch. Aaron has been very supportive of the mission. But there's supportive, and there's supportive.

He presented me with this little beauty, and I was ever so touched.

Now, I was of course thrilled to receive Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, but after the painful viewing of the third installment in the series, I was concerned.

Could I make it through this movie without wanting to gouge my eyes out with a fork? I was a little concerned, but decided to risk it.

I couldn't bring myself to sum up the movie for you, so I present my thoughts during the viewing of this film:

• An opening rap. An interesting choice.
• Huh. Hightower is “acting”.
• It’s that young Tackleberry kid from Police Academy 3. Continuity!
• David Spade! In hot pink!!! And he’s a skater!!! This could NOT get better. Is this supposed to appeal to the “kids”?
• Touching reunion between Harris & Mahoney. Ooh, conflict!
• SHARON STONE?!?
• Oh the elderly. Always good for a laugh.
• Why is Sharon Stone shouting her lines?
• Harris in charge? Oh, I suspect there will be hi-jinks!
• Wet t-shirt on Callahan. Classy.
• If there is a Bobcat Goldwaith romance movie, I will VOMIT.
• There’s nothing funnier than a fat guy dancing.
• Toilet jokes. Always funny.
• Hey, aren’t there supposed to be “citizens” in this movie?
• Only 50 minutes in. Huh. Seems longer.
• Oh, thanks god. The Bobcat Goldwaith kiss was thwarted. I was going to have to vomit.
• I have a fondness for the actor who plays Proctor. I’m not proud, but there it is.
• Hey! Continuity! What a wacky idea!
• Wait – are those ninjas?
• A hot air balloon chase. Well, I guess I haven’t seen that before.
• And a closing rap. Sure, why not?

I have to say, I was somewhat pleasantly surprised. It's not a good movie, but it's not terrible. Steve is once again likable as Sgt. Carey Mahoney. Sharon Stone's presence is mystifying, until you realize that she was a good three years away from anything close to stardom.

There are extras on the DVD, but I can't bring myself to watch them yet. But I'm sure that "Remembering A Lofty Investigation" will provide much insight into the making of this classic.

All in all, not the worst movie I've seen this week. And that's not such a bad thing.

Title: Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 26

Purchased: by the delightful and ever so dashing Aaron

Seriously, A Hot-Air Balloon Chase?: Priceless.

A-List Celebrities? This must be a mistake.

I have to confess, this film was a bit of a surprise. I was not familiar with the wonder that is High Spirits. Apparently, I was alone in this.

Of all the films I've collected so far, this is the first one that peole actually said "Oh, I think I've seen that one. Could I borrow it?"

Borrow? A Steve Guttenberg film? This is unprecedented. And fabulous!

That being said, I'm sure you're all familiar with the following film.

It's the touching tale of a man who invents stories about ghosts in his castle to lure in tourists. Imagine his surprise when those ghosts turn out to be real! Oh, the hilarity!

But wait - that's not enough for you?

How about a little romance?

What could be more touching than the love between a man unhappy in his marriage and a ghost who's been reliving her own murder for the past two hundred years?

Despite Daryl Hannah's "Irish" accent and a touch of Gutttenberg overacting, this actually isn't bad at all. It's pretty funny. And it's chock full of recognizable names! Who'd have thought?

Peter O'Toole, Beverley D'Angelo, Jennifer Tilly, Peter Gallagher, Liam Neeson. In 1988, these were all big names, I'll have you know.

I was very pleasantly surprised by this movie. And I'd probably watch it again. Who'd have thought?

Title: High Spirits

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 27

Purchased: On eBay

Cost: £3.50, including delivery

The Most Beloved Guttenberg Movie Yet?: Priceless.

It would have been SUCH a good birthday treat

As a celebration of Mr. Guttenberg's birthday (as if the cake wasn't enough!), I will be doing what they said couldn't be done.

They didn't think it was possible.

Let's see if we can prove them wrong.

Tonight, for one night only, I will be real-time blogging during the viewing of the classic film....

Police Academy 3: Back In Training.

The more astute of you may notice that there is a gap in the Police Academy ouevre. I am in posession of the classic first film, Police Academy, and yet am missing the sequel.

Never fear! It is being tracked down as we speak and will shortly be fulfilling its destiny as a member of the mission.

But now for the task at hand. Police Academy 3. I hope you enjoy it as much as I am sure to.

9:30 pm - The film, she begins. Oooh, autotracking!

9:31 pm - Previews! Rob Lowe + hockey + the line "you wanna go, pretty boy?" + Patrick Swayze = Alice is intrigued. Mental note: rent Youngblood.

9:33 pm - The system says even killers have rights. Stallone is Cobra. Alice is bored.

9:34 pm - Some Martin Scorcese movie that I'm bored with already. After Hours? That's a movie? Huh. Although who doesn't find the effervescent presence of Teri Garr delightful?

9:35 pm - The Colour Purple? Does that really have the same target demographic as Police Academy 3? Who's in charge of these previews?

9:36 pm - Woo hoo! Feature presentation. (This film is rated PG. All readers under 13 should avert their eyes. There will likely be T&A)

9:37 pm - Bubba Smith is next billed after Steve Guttenberg. Who knew Hightower had such a good agent? We're also going to be privildged to see Bobcat Goldwaith as "Zed". Lucky! Oh, and there's also some intrigue going on in a parking garage. The titles are more interesting.

9:40 pm - Oh! It's the bad guys! Commandant whatsit and Lieutennant that guy and Former cadets whosit and the guy! Competing academies! Now we're talking - this is drama.

9:43 pm - Written by Gene Quintano. His mother must be so proud.

9:44 pm - Callahan is so sassy! Also she's very tall. Oh! And it's the guy who makes the funny voices. He's hi-larious.

9:45 pm - Who can save the day? Mahoney! Of course! Ahh, Steve. I can't believe it took NINE minutes for the first Guttenberg appearance. "Nice one", Gene.

9:46 pm - Oh, all our favourites are back now. Hightower, Tackleberry, and a dramatic walking shot. What more could we want? Theyr'e all so serious and intense. I bet they can save the academy.

9:49 pm - Intro the new recruits. The wife of some nerdy guy I should probably recognize, some other nerdy guy on a bike, a rich guy in a limo with a cravat. Hilarious!

9:53 pm - The bad academy has a Chinese recruit - first racist remark! Oh, they're shipping him off to Lassard's. Do you think he'll turn out to be invaluable? We've also got the shy (and sure to be a secret hottie) female recruit, Tackleberry's cousin or something who punches people in the face, hot blonde chick for the Gütt to hit on.

9:57 pm - Hey! Hightower just called Mahoney "babe". Do you think they're secret lovers? Also, Bobcat Goldwaith will be playing himself. And, as per usual, he will be annoying.

10:02 pm - Should I be bored?

10:03 pm - Did they just decide that funny voice guy is just funny on his own? Cause I don't know that he is. And hot blonde chick is a BAD actress.

10:10 pm - Aw, Tackleberry is bonding with the nerdy guy. That's really touching.

[We now have bit of a time jump. Four days, to be exact.]

Right. When they said it couldn't be done? That was because it couldn't be done. And the reason that it couldn't be done is that this movie is SO PAINFULLY BAD that it is practically impossible to force yourself to watch it.

There's no point telling you what happens with the rest of the movie. It's exactly what you think. Many "funny" situations, PG-13 nudity, "romance", and "hilarious" voices. It's .... well, it's not good.

Man, this is a bad movie. Steve is likeable, but the movie is horrible. Actually, that's not true. It's not creative enough to be horrible. It's just meidocre. Sad, really.

Title: Police Academy 3: Back In Training

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 28

Purchased: On eBay

Cost: £2.00, including delivery

The First Guttenberg Movie I Couldn't Watch In One Sitting: Shamefully priceless.

It's a Magical Day!

You'll never guess what today is.

Well, yes. It is Wednesday. Wednesday the 24th of August.

And what happened on August 24, 1958 in New York?

A certain Mr. Steve Guttenberg arrived into the world ... and into our hearts.

And so we say to you, Steve Guttenberg, happy 47th birthday.

Have some cake.

Dr. Guttenberg to the ER - stat!

Now, we're back to the Guttenberg as we know and love him.

Also purchased in the great eBay binge of August 2005, we come across a pure example of Guttenberg gold.

"Bad Medicine" is the touching tale of a young man in a family of doctors who can't get into any medical school in the United States, so naturally heads to some unnamed South American country to attend a dodgy medical school there. Does he win his dad's respect? Oh, you bet he does.

You're touched, aren't you?

Steve's character Jeff meets a delightful group of students from varying walks of life. There's the gorgeous former nurse who's just a little bit insecure, played by 80's comedy staple Julie Haggerty. The hilarious female character for a bit of contrast, played by Julie Kavner. The speed freak roommate, played by perennial crazy guy Curtis Armstrong. That guy from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High", played by Robert Romanus.

But of this illustrious cast, who do we think gets top billing?

Oh, that's right. It's a little someone I like to call Mister Steve Guttenberg.

This is typical 80's comedy. Offensive, yet innocuous. Charming, yet irritating. Racist, .... well, it's a bit racist. There's no real upside to that.

This is also the first Guttenberg film that I hadn't heard of that got the reaction of "oh, I've seen that one" from a friend.

Quality. Just quality.

Title: Bad Medicine

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 29

Purchased: On eBay

Cost: £2.89, including delivery

Bad 80's Comedy At Its Finest: Oh, that's priceless baby.

A Secret Affair. A Violent Crime. A Brutal Killer.

I think we've made our first misstep on the magical road to Guttenberg happiness.

And by "we", I of course mean me. Through the wonder that is eBay, I managed to track down a little VHS I like to call "The Bedroom Window".

You can see the drama right there on the case. A Secret Affair. A Violent Crime. A Brutal Killer.

What the box fails to mention is the crucial last bit. A Boring Film.

Now, it's exciting that once again Mr. Guttenberg takes centre stage with his top billing. Oh, he's certainly the star here.

His intense, booding stare tells us that this is going to be one incredible rollercoaster of a film.

The premise is a pretty good one: a woman is having an affair with her husband's employee. While at her boyfriend's house, she sees an attempted murder outside his bedroom window. To avoid giving away the affair, he reports the crime as if he'd seen it himself. Because his story isn't quite right, the police begin to suspect him as the murderer. How will he prove his innocence?

See? It sounds good, doesn't it?

Oh, but it all goes wrong. There are a lot of odd, intense, scary music cues that don't fit with the action on the screen. And all the actors speak with this tone of voice as if they're hiding something, making all the characters seem like they're lying, even if they're not. It's all very bizarre.

Now, I'll confess that I didn't exactly watch the whole thing. I got a bit bored, and besides, I had laundry to do. So I missed how the Elizabeth McGovern character (who was the victim of the crime seen through the famed Bedroom Window) got involved with Steve-o. But they, of course, become romantically involved after the boss's wife gets sadly killed.

Okay, it's not about the plot. It's about the miscasting of Steve Guttenberg in a dramatic role.

The Gütt has a delightful, low key on screen presence. Do I want to see him taking care of an unexpected baby? You bet I do. Do I want to see him interacting with a robot who has come to life? I wouldn't miss it. Do I want to see him transforming himself from an overweight cartoonist into a leather clad Kiwi named Lobo? Just try and keep me away.

Do I want to see him being intense and broody and running for his life? Um, no.

So, nice try Mr. Guttenberg. But it's just not working for me. Better luck next time.


Title: The Bedroom Window

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 30

Purchased: On eBay

Cost: £2.99, including delivery

A Bad Overly Dramatic Movie: Eh, not so priceless.

"Will she still love Lobo when she discovers he's really Gus?"

It's an exciting two-for-one day here at The Steve Guttenberg Project!

In the recent influx of eBay purchases, I came across this little gem:

Perhaps you know it as The Boyfriend School, which seems to be how it's billed on TV. But I'm here to tell you that Don't Tell Her It's Me is a can't miss classic.

Steve is, of course, the first billed star. He's the one we're not supposed to tell her it is! He's the one going to the boyfriend school!


Right abouve his manly gaze, there it is. Sure, Shelley Long gets her name in a box, with the coveted "as 'Lizzie'", but I thnk we all know who the star is here.

The premise is simple. Steve plays Gus, a cartoonist recovering from cancer. Shelley Long plays his older and bossier sister Lizzie. She's anxious to get him set up with a nice lady. She's also a romance novelist. Jami Gertz plays Emily Pear, a journalist who is out to get the true story of people behind romance novels. She meets Lizzie, and Lizzie realizes she'll be perfect for Gus. One blind double date later, and it's not love. So, Lizzie decides to turn Gus into the perfect man, who is apparently a mulleted, leather wearing, Kiwi named Lobo.

You know how women love men named Lobo.

And the hair. Ohhhhh, the hair.

How could you not fall in love with this man?

Now, it doesn't all go smoothly for Gus once he becomes Lobo. Aftter he woos Emily into bed and makes sweet, sweet love to her, he feels the need to confess. Surprisingly, Emily does not take kindly to being lied to and kicks him out of bed.

What will happen? Will Gus get his lady? Will Lizzie interfere? Will there be a last minute airport kiss?

Yes, yes and my goodness yes.

Now, I have a confession to make. While this movie certainly wasn't good, it wasn't the worst thing I've ever seen. In fact, I laughed a few times. I like Shelley Long. And she's pretty good in this movie. The Gutt's New Zeland accent is horrible, but he's kind of charming. And Jami Gertz is inoffensive.

I would watch this movie again. Especially if it was on TV on a weekend afternoon. Judge me if you must.

Title: Don't Tell Her It's Me (aka. The Boyfriend School)

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 31

Purchased: On eBay

Cost: £2.89, including delivery

Realizing I would probably watch this again: Priceless. Pricelessly embarassing.

Cadet Carey Mahoney, reporting for duty!

eBay really is wonderful, isn't it? After the exciting first eBay find, I thought I'd take another look. And oh, I hit the jackpot baby.

Oh, that's right. It's the classic first Police Academy. And is the box ever right - what an institution!

Now, I was delighted to see that our good buddy Steve wins the coveted first billing in this cinematic gem.

It may be a bit fuzzy, but it's there. And if you're taking first billing over the likes of Kim Catrall in the very year she appeared in the Oscar nominated** Porky's, then you are talking about a very impressive feat indeed.

Now, I did watch this movie the other night. And I'm sorry to tell you that it doesn't hold up especially well,

It turns out that "comedy" in 1984 was a bit different than it is today. Racial slurs, gay jokes and breasts don't seem to make up the majority of today's comedies. But that aside, it's not the worst thing I've ever seen.

Steve plays Cadet Carey Mahoney, a loveably hot headed troublemaker who is sentenced to join the Police Academy after he wrecks a car at his valet job. And here's the clever part - he's not allowed to quit, but he can leave if he gets kicked out! Will wacky hijinks ensue? You bet they will!

I didn't pay attention to quite a lot of the movie, so I missed why they get sent out to the riot, and I missed why Kim Catrall starts dating him, but all your favourite Police Academy characters are there: Hightower, Tackleberry, Callahan, Hooks, Commandant Lassard, Lt. Harris and that guy that makes the noises.

Good times. Good times, indeed.

Oh, Steve. Where will this exciting journey take us next?

** I really didn't bother to check my facts there, but it probably was. Come on! It's Canadian! Best foreign film all the way!

Title: Police Academy

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 32

Purchased: On eBay

Cost: £3.04, including delivery

Political incorrectness at it's most painful: Priceless.

Surrender to the charms of the Guttenberg

Ah, eBay! Such a wonderful thing.

I had a sneaking suspicion that there would be a person or two out there looking to sell old Steve Guttenberg movies.

It turns out I was right.

And so yesterday, a very special package arrived at my flat. A package containing this little beauty:

That's right. It's 1987's Surrender. And it didn't look like it would be too bad. It has Michael Caine and Sally Field. And they're both good actors. And we all know that I love the Gütt.

Once again, he doesn't recieve top billing, but he's still got quality above the title billing.

But it was the photo on the back that really captured my interest.

A moustachioed Guttenberg? Fantastic!

So, it was with some quite high expectations that I sat down to watch this film. And did it disappoint?

Sweet mother of God, yes. Ooh, what a bad movie. So very very very bad. So very bad. I really can't say that enough times. So so so very bad.

Roger Ebert's review sums it up quite well:

"Surrender" is an astonishing case of a movie that can do no wrong for its first half and little right thereafter. The story has no place to go, and Belson's contrivances in keeping it floating are desperate.

Steve plays Sally Field's rich lawyer boyfriend, and I'm sad to say he's a bit of a jerk. I'll confess I didn't pay much attention to the movie because I kept getting bored, but the Gütt did what he could with what he was given.

I knew that completing this mission would mean watching some bad movies. But until this, I had no idea how painful that could be.

Ah well, I can only hope that Film #4 is a little less upsetting.

Title: Surrender

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 33

Purchased: On eBay, 16 July 2005

Cost: £2.89, including delivery

The First Truly Bad Movie In The Collection: Priceless.

And now in more Guttenberg related news...

Aren't you wacky North Americans lucky?

Starting this September, you'll be able to see the always delightful Mr. Guttenberg in UPN's one actually good show - Veronica Mars.

There are fabulous reports that Steve, along with Charisma Carpenter, will join the show for it's 2nd season. Steve has been cast as "a charismatic major league baseball team owner and leading candidate in the race for mayor of Neptune. " He will be in at least seven episodes.

How delicious! I, for one, cannot wait.

A lead!

An email from Abby today gave me an exciting lead onto Film #3:

"Now, I don't want you to get too over excited here, but I am about 70% certain that my sister has the VHS of Three Men and a Little Lady, which I am 100% certain that she won't want anymore. I'll speak to my parents to make sure they still have it, and then I'll let you know.

Please, don't build your hopes up, it could well be Sister Act 2 that I am thinking of. I would hate for you to be disappointed and think bad of me."

Well, this is clearly a delight! A lead on Film #3 so soon after the arrival of Film #2? Fantastic!

I'm sad for Abby's sister that she wouldn't want to hold on to this cinematic gem, but it's obviously fantastic news for me.

And how could I possibly think badly of anyone supporting the mission?

I think this could be a hidden treasure trove of Guttenberg goodies - if y'all could have a look through your video collections for stray and (unbelievably) unwanted Guttenberg films, the mission would be in your debt.

The Mission! She thrives!

It's been an exciting weekend in the world of the Steve Guttenberg Project.

On Saturday, I left the house to a bit of shopping. When I got home with my new shoe racks (they're very nice), I found an Amazon package near the front door.

"Hmmm," I thought to myself. "I haven't ordered anything from Amazon recently, but perhaps it's for me anyway."

And, would you believe it? It was!

Inside this beautiful package was a DVD - and not just any DVD. It was a DVD starring our good friend ... Mr. Steve Guttenberg.

I was giddy with glee, as you can well imagine, and scrambled to find the packing slip to find out who was responsible for the exciting new development - after all the collection had doubled overnight, and it was all very fabulous.

To my delight, I found that a little lady with a mission of her own was the generous DVD purchaser - the lovely Miss Heather Taylor.

Here it is. The fantastic and fabulous Film #2:

As we can see, the Gütt once again receives second billing.

(Hey, remember when Ally Sheedy was famous? Those were good times.)

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of seeing this fantastic film, the Gütt plays one "Newton Crosby" - inventor of robots and other such things. When the delightful Number 5 suffers from a "short circuit" and comes to life, Newton is sent on a madcap adventure with trusted sidekick Fisher Stevens to find the rogue robot. Does mayhem and merriment ensue?

Oh, you bet it does.

There's also a bit of romance, between our Mr. Gutt and the lovely Miss Sheedy.

Robots? Romance? Stray animals? "Number 5 is alive"? The Gütt?

This movie has everything!

Title: Short Circuit

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 34

Date received: 9th July, 2005

Purchased by: Heather

The mission doubling in size: Priceless.

A Tribute to the Gütt

Once you start looking, you realize that there are tributes to our good friend Mr. Guttenberg everywhere.

I'm sure you're all familiar with the episode of the Simpson's featuring the classic Stonecutters Song. Season six? Episode 12? "Homer The Great"? Originally aired on 8th January, 1995? You've seen it seven billion times in reruns since then?

The song is an all time classic. Sing along with me, if you will.

Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do! We do!
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do! We do!
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do! We do!
Who robs cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do! We do!

Well, if you made Steve Guttenberg a star, then the world owes a debt to you, Stonecutters.

Thanks, from all of us.