Monday, August 29, 2005

It would have been SUCH a good birthday treat

As a celebration of Mr. Guttenberg's birthday (as if the cake wasn't enough!), I will be doing what they said couldn't be done.

They didn't think it was possible.

Let's see if we can prove them wrong.

Tonight, for one night only, I will be real-time blogging during the viewing of the classic film....

Police Academy 3: Back In Training.

The more astute of you may notice that there is a gap in the Police Academy ouevre. I am in posession of the classic first film, Police Academy, and yet am missing the sequel.

Never fear! It is being tracked down as we speak and will shortly be fulfilling its destiny as a member of the mission.

But now for the task at hand. Police Academy 3. I hope you enjoy it as much as I am sure to.

9:30 pm - The film, she begins. Oooh, autotracking!

9:31 pm - Previews! Rob Lowe + hockey + the line "you wanna go, pretty boy?" + Patrick Swayze = Alice is intrigued. Mental note: rent Youngblood.

9:33 pm - The system says even killers have rights. Stallone is Cobra. Alice is bored.

9:34 pm - Some Martin Scorcese movie that I'm bored with already. After Hours? That's a movie? Huh. Although who doesn't find the effervescent presence of Teri Garr delightful?

9:35 pm - The Colour Purple? Does that really have the same target demographic as Police Academy 3? Who's in charge of these previews?

9:36 pm - Woo hoo! Feature presentation. (This film is rated PG. All readers under 13 should avert their eyes. There will likely be T&A)

9:37 pm - Bubba Smith is next billed after Steve Guttenberg. Who knew Hightower had such a good agent? We're also going to be privildged to see Bobcat Goldwaith as "Zed". Lucky! Oh, and there's also some intrigue going on in a parking garage. The titles are more interesting.

9:40 pm - Oh! It's the bad guys! Commandant whatsit and Lieutennant that guy and Former cadets whosit and the guy! Competing academies! Now we're talking - this is drama.

9:43 pm - Written by Gene Quintano. His mother must be so proud.

9:44 pm - Callahan is so sassy! Also she's very tall. Oh! And it's the guy who makes the funny voices. He's hi-larious.

9:45 pm - Who can save the day? Mahoney! Of course! Ahh, Steve. I can't believe it took NINE minutes for the first Guttenberg appearance. "Nice one", Gene.

9:46 pm - Oh, all our favourites are back now. Hightower, Tackleberry, and a dramatic walking shot. What more could we want? Theyr'e all so serious and intense. I bet they can save the academy.

9:49 pm - Intro the new recruits. The wife of some nerdy guy I should probably recognize, some other nerdy guy on a bike, a rich guy in a limo with a cravat. Hilarious!

9:53 pm - The bad academy has a Chinese recruit - first racist remark! Oh, they're shipping him off to Lassard's. Do you think he'll turn out to be invaluable? We've also got the shy (and sure to be a secret hottie) female recruit, Tackleberry's cousin or something who punches people in the face, hot blonde chick for the Gütt to hit on.

9:57 pm - Hey! Hightower just called Mahoney "babe". Do you think they're secret lovers? Also, Bobcat Goldwaith will be playing himself. And, as per usual, he will be annoying.

10:02 pm - Should I be bored?

10:03 pm - Did they just decide that funny voice guy is just funny on his own? Cause I don't know that he is. And hot blonde chick is a BAD actress.

10:10 pm - Aw, Tackleberry is bonding with the nerdy guy. That's really touching.

[We now have bit of a time jump. Four days, to be exact.]

Right. When they said it couldn't be done? That was because it couldn't be done. And the reason that it couldn't be done is that this movie is SO PAINFULLY BAD that it is practically impossible to force yourself to watch it.

There's no point telling you what happens with the rest of the movie. It's exactly what you think. Many "funny" situations, PG-13 nudity, "romance", and "hilarious" voices. It's .... well, it's not good.

Man, this is a bad movie. Steve is likeable, but the movie is horrible. Actually, that's not true. It's not creative enough to be horrible. It's just meidocre. Sad, really.

Title: Police Academy 3: Back In Training

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 28

Purchased: On eBay

Cost: £2.00, including delivery

The First Guttenberg Movie I Couldn't Watch In One Sitting: Shamefully priceless.

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