Monday, March 19, 2007

The Guttenberg Chronicles

About time I actually added to the mission, isn't it?

I've actually had this video since November, but didn't get around to actually watching it until last night. You know how it is - you get busy and before you know it five months are gone.

Anyway, this is a VERY exciting entry, because, while it is not the feature film debut of our good buddy Steve, it is his very first starring role.

I give you the 1977 film The Chicken Chronicles!

Chicken Chronicles

I'm not going to lie to you. If you're a fan of dramatic Guttenberg, or slightly irresponsible dad Guttenberg, this is not the movie for you. Prepare yourselves, people. This is a high school sex comedy.

Set in 1969, Steve plays high school senior David Kessler, who has one mission for his senior year - to lose his virginity to girlfriend Margaret. Naturally, madcap antics occur as he tries to find a safe place for them to do some shoppin' at the do-it centre, because Margaret is a prude and won't have sex anywhere they could possibly be caught.

When he's not trying to have the sex, he's working at a chicken place, which I want to say is called Chicken On The Go. Phil Silvers plays his boss, an upsettingly pervy old man. Did I need to hear Phil Silvers talk graphically about hot young chicks? No. No, I did not.

Anyway, when he's not trying to have sex or sell chicken, he's pulling pranks on the school's vice principal, talking to his emotionally distant parents over his house's intercom system, bribing his little brother for sex advice, calling out racism and old fashioned rules on the track team and smoking a lot of pot.

It's a bit of a jumbled movie. It's not what you might call funny, but I've seen much much worse movies from the teen genre.

Oh, and don't worry. He does lose his virginity, to (spoiler!) poor Tracy Vogel, who wasn't really a slut, despite the rumours about her. And thankfully, we are spared the actual sex scene and just cut to cuddling after.

Title: The Guttenberg Chronicles

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 11

Purchased: On eBay

Cost: $5.95

Beginning spared a Guttenberg sex scene: Priceless

Thursday, March 15, 2007


Due to the IMDB of LIES! and the prolific working habits of our buddy Steve, the official Steve Guttenberg Project list has been updated.

Gone is Winter Break, and the 2006 films Mojave Phone Booth and Making Change have been added.

This does mean that the "Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected" on each entry is now wrong. I may or may not be changing these. We'll see how it goes.

You're smart though. I'm sure you can figure it out.

It should be called the IMDB of LIES!

What's that? It's been four months since I last posted anything here?

Well, there is a VERY good reason for that. I have been trying to get over the shock, horror, dismay and betrayal I feel at the horrible lies I have been told by someone I trusted. Someone who I've relied on in the past. Someone whose information forms the very basis for the Steve Guttenberg Project.

The IMDB. Or, as I know like to call it, the IMDB of LIES!

As you're no doubt aware, as a frequent visitor of this page, Steve's IMDB page lists many, many films. One of which is the 2003 film Winter Break, as incriminatingly displayed here.

winter break 3

And, yes, it does say "unconfirmed". But since that piece of information has been there since July 2005, when this madness began, I thought I could trust it.

I thought wrong. "Ted Harper", indeed.

Anyway, so, here it is:

Winter Break 1

The only film you will see on this blog which does not feature, in any capacity, the talents of Mr. Steve Guttenberg.

Since I watched it - all of it, mind you - I may as well tell you about it though.

It's the story of Matt, played by Milo Ventimiglia, who you're probably most familiar with as Peter Petrelli on Heroes. Unless you watched Gilmore Girls, in which case you're probably shaking your fist at the sky, shouting "Curse that Jess! He was so bad for Rory!"

Winter Break 2

In this film, he doesn't play a vaguely slacker nurse/superhero or a vaguely slacker small town bad boy. He plays a vaguely slacker college graduate who, instead of taking a job in Detroit (I think), moves to Colorado to work with his two slacker friends for a year at a ski resort.

This is not a good movie.

You might be tempted because of your residual Heroes/Gilmore Girls love, but I will tell you right now. Don't waste your time.

It's not bad. But ... it's just not good. It's a kind of indifferent movie. I've already forgotten most of it, and I just watched it.

And it doesn't have Steve Guttenberg in it.

Damn lying IMDB. Wasting my time and hard earned money.