SO AWESOME!

People, I have some excellent news.

I know you were all saying "Why oh why is my television screen not constantly filled with Steve Guttenberg? And WHEN will I see him DANCE?!?"

Sooner than you think, my friends. Sooner than you think.

Steve Guttenberg. Appearing as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Competing against Monica Seles, Marlee Matlin, Penn Jillette and Priscilla Presley. How awesome is this??

Fantastic reader Bookish Barbara let me know about this little gem, and I am super excited. I may have to resort to downloading to keep up on the Guttenberg dance action.

The only sad side is that I won't be able to vote. Can I bribe one of you to do my Guttenberg voting for me?

It starts March 17. Set your Tivos people. We don't want to miss one single second.

Oh. My. God.

You guys, I have the best news ever.

Guess who's just signed a deal to write the memoir of his early years in Hollywood?

Steve Freaking Guttenberg.

I'm so delighted by this news, I can hardly tell you! Imagine - we'll get all the first hand gossip from the Police Academy movies and Three Men and A Baby and Cocoon!

Maybe the guy who makes funny noises is really a jerk! Or Ted Danson has a secret hidden past that can only now be revealed -he's really a woman! Or the guy who makes funny noises is a secret chain smoker and the noises are really a smokers cough! Or Wilfred Brimley hates oatmeal! Or something else awesome about the guy who makes funny noises!

I'm so excited. There doesn't seem to be any info about when we can expect this book, which will surely be the greatest book of our time, but I'll keep you posted.

The Guttenberg Chronicles

About time I actually added to the mission, isn't it?

I've actually had this video since November, but didn't get around to actually watching it until last night. You know how it is - you get busy and before you know it five months are gone.

Anyway, this is a VERY exciting entry, because, while it is not the feature film debut of our good buddy Steve, it is his very first starring role.

I give you the 1977 film The Chicken Chronicles!

I'm not going to lie to you. If you're a fan of dramatic Guttenberg, or slightly irresponsible dad Guttenberg, this is not the movie for you. Prepare yourselves, people. This is a high school sex comedy.

Set in 1969, Steve plays high school senior David Kessler, who has one mission for his senior year - to lose his virginity to girlfriend Margaret. Naturally, madcap antics occur as he tries to find a safe place for them to do some shoppin' at the do-it centre, because Margaret is a prude and won't have sex anywhere they could possibly be caught.

When he's not trying to have the sex, he's working at a chicken place, which I want to say is called Chicken On The Go. Phil Silvers plays his boss, an upsettingly pervy old man. Did I need to hear Phil Silvers talk graphically about hot young chicks? No. No, I did not.

Anyway, when he's not trying to have sex or sell chicken, he's pulling pranks on the school's vice principal, talking to his emotionally distant parents over his house's intercom system, bribing his little brother for sex advice, calling out racism and old fashioned rules on the track team and smoking a lot of pot.

It's a bit of a jumbled movie. It's not what you might call funny, but I've seen much much worse movies from the teen genre.

Oh, and don't worry. He does lose his virginity, to (spoiler!) poor Tracy Vogel, who wasn't really a slut, despite the rumours about her. And thankfully, we are spared the actual sex scene and just cut to cuddling after.

Title: The Guttenberg Chronicles

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 11

Purchased: On eBay

Cost: $5.95

Beginning spared a Guttenberg sex scene: Priceless

Update

Due to the IMDB of LIES! and the prolific working habits of our buddy Steve, the official Steve Guttenberg Project list has been updated.

Gone is Winter Break, and the 2006 films Mojave Phone Booth and Making Change have been added.

This does mean that the "Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected" on each entry is now wrong. I may or may not be changing these. We'll see how it goes.

You're smart though. I'm sure you can figure it out.

It should be called the IMDB of LIES!

What's that? It's been four months since I last posted anything here?

Well, there is a VERY good reason for that. I have been trying to get over the shock, horror, dismay and betrayal I feel at the horrible lies I have been told by someone I trusted. Someone who I've relied on in the past. Someone whose information forms the very basis for the Steve Guttenberg Project.

The IMDB. Or, as I know like to call it, the IMDB of LIES!

As you're no doubt aware, as a frequent visitor of this page, Steve's IMDB page lists many, many films. One of which is the 2003 film Winter Break, as incriminatingly displayed here.

And, yes, it does say "unconfirmed". But since that piece of information has been there since July 2005, when this madness began, I thought I could trust it.

I thought wrong. "Ted Harper", indeed.

Anyway, so, here it is:

The only film you will see on this blog which does not feature, in any capacity, the talents of Mr. Steve Guttenberg.

Since I watched it - all of it, mind you - I may as well tell you about it though.

It's the story of Matt, played by Milo Ventimiglia, who you're probably most familiar with as Peter Petrelli on Heroes. Unless you watched Gilmore Girls, in which case you're probably shaking your fist at the sky, shouting "Curse that Jess! He was so bad for Rory!"

In this film, he doesn't play a vaguely slacker nurse/superhero or a vaguely slacker small town bad boy. He plays a vaguely slacker college graduate who, instead of taking a job in Detroit (I think), moves to Colorado to work with his two slacker friends for a year at a ski resort.

This is not a good movie.

You might be tempted because of your residual Heroes/Gilmore Girls love, but I will tell you right now. Don't waste your time.

It's not bad. But ... it's just not good. It's a kind of indifferent movie. I've already forgotten most of it, and I just watched it.

And it doesn't have Steve Guttenberg in it.

Damn lying IMDB. Wasting my time and hard earned money.

Tower of Guttenberg

So, as you know, tv movies are not included in the official list of Guttenberg Project films. But, for special Santa-related films and special requests, I am ready to make an exception.

I recieved this email from the always awesome Bette:

I've just read the entirety of the Steve Guttenberg project and cannot believe there is no mention of the Tower of Terror.

Perhaps it is just one of the remaining 11 films for you to collect but please I am breathlessly awaiting your comments on this film.

There were also some comments about a film about the true love between a dog and a dolphin, which I am unable to repeat because you would not believe me and also I would be killed.

So, by special request - the fabulous 1997 TV movie Tower of Terror.

And yes, you're not going crazy or seeing things. That does read Steve Guttenberg and Kirsten Dunst.

Post-Jumanji and pre-The Virgin Suicides, Kirsten made the wise decision to star with our good buddy Steve in a TV movie based on a ride at Disney World. Clearly.

I've actually seen this movie many times. Okay, maybe not "many". But definitely more than once.

Steve plays "Buzzy" (and no, I am not making that up), a tabloid reporter who makes up stories involving ghosts and whatnot for his paper. He's the wacky uncle of Anna (played by Kirsten) , who helps him out with his stories. A seemingly innocent old lady invites to investigate the mysterious Hollywood Hotel (I think that's what it's called - I can't actually remember) which has been closed since the 30's, after a group of people mysteriously disappeared in the elevator, including the famous Shirley Temple-alike Sally Shine.

Because you know how often valuable LA real estate just sits empty for sixty years.

Despite the fact that Buzzy is supposed to be a journalist, he does absolutely no research whatsoever, and just seems to believe that no one will ever lie to him. Despite the fact that almost everyone in the film lies to him.

"What? You say that the evil nanny was actually a witch and hated Sally, and was therefore responsible for the mysterious elevator disappearance? And you were there, so that's how you know? Well, okay! I'll just take your word for it! No, no, I don't need to know why you were there, or anything about you. I'll just go off an investigate now. La la la la."

That takes a bit away from the big climactic scene where it's revealed that (SHOCK!) the seemingly innocent old lady is actually (HORROR!) the sister of Sally Shine, and the one responsible for the mysterious disappearance because (SHOCK!!) she was jealous that her sister got all the attention. And the big twist? They were taking the elevator up to sister's surprise birthday party, but never made it. See? Seemingly innocent old lady as a child wasn't really ignored at all!

Of course, the "journalist" doesn't figure out the mystery. But never fear! Buzzy still gets his job back at the real newspaper and smooches with the editor lady, played by Nia Peeples. (Nia Peeples! Seriously!)

I'm probably taking this film too seriously - after all, it was specifically created to provide backstory to a DisneyWorld ride.

I guess I should just be glad it has a plot of any kind.

And seeing Kirsten Dunst slum it is always amusing.

Guttenberg-tastic!

Due to the upsetting burglary, and the subsequent lack of laptop at home, I have not been as good with the updating of the project as I would like. But never fear! Friend of the project Sarah has pointed me in the direction of something fabulous and Guttenberg related.

My friends, I give you The Mother Of All Trailers!

God bless YouTube, I say. God bless them.

Steve + Dog + Dolphin + Love = One Good Time

I've had this film for quite a while, but for some reason couldn't bring myself to watch it. Why is that, you ask?

Because it's about a dog and a dolphin that are in love.

Seriously.

It's 1997's Zeus and Roxanne.

Steve plays Terry, a single father Terry Barnett and owner of Zeus, troublemaking and dolphin-loving dog.

In his family films, Steve's very good at being an either bad or neglectful single dad. In this one, he's more neglectful. He's an earring wearing musician who lets his 9 year old son take care of him. This kid prepares all the meals, does all the cleaning, takes care of the dolphin-loving dog. This is the slave child that every parent hopes for.

Kathleen Quinlan plays Mary-Beth, the romantic interest and next door neighbour. Clearly, after her award winning role as Tom Hank's wife in Apollo 13, playing the love interest in a Steve Guttenberg family film was the next logical step. She's also the matchmaker for Zeus, the dog, and Roxanne, the dolphin. She realizes that they can communicate with each other and tries to get some research grant about interspecies comunication.

Seriously.

Majandra Delfino plays one of Mary-Beth's kids and it drove me crazy for about half the movie trying to figure out how I knew her. Then it finally hit me that she was Maria on Roswell. And no, I will not be embarassed for watching Roswell. You cannot shame me with your judging!

She has possibly the best line of a movie: "If a dolphin and a dog can get along, why can't our mom and his dad?"

Yes. Why can't we all just get along?

Anyway, I would say that if you are a fan of kids, dogs and/or dolphins then this might just be the movie for you.

And if you are a fan of late nineties shirtless Guttenberg, this is definitely the movie for you. Shirtless, an earring AND a motorcycle. He's the bad-boy single dad you've always dreamed of, isn't he?

Title: Zeus and Roxanne

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 11

Purchased: on eBay

Price: £2.98

Learning That Inter-species True Love Is Possible?: Priceless.

Steve: 1, Nazis: 0

Steve Guttenberg is that rare actor - the one who knows his range, and pretty much stays within it. He's a light comedy kind of guy.

Want someone to be a befuddled bachelor taking care of a baby? Done. Want a guy to fall in love with the ghost of Daryl Hannah with wacky results? Done. Want someone to play the most beloved police cadet of all time? Done, done, done and done. Want someone to play a dedicated young Nazi hunter? What

That's right. It's 1978's Boys From Brazil, costarring Gregory Peck and Sir Laurence Olivier.

Oh yes. You read that right. Two Oscar winners, Nazi scientists, Nazi hunters and South America. And Steve Guttenberg. Or, as he's named in the credits "Steven Guttenberg". Clearly a drama this serious and important has no room for Steves.

It's the story of a Jewish Nazi hunter, Ezra Lieberman(Olivier), living in South America who spends most of his time tracking down rogue Nazis. Steve is an enthusiastic youngster who is an amateur Nazi hunter, and is tracking down Dr. Josef Mengele (Peck) who is up to various dastardly deeds. Lieberman tries to discourage Steve from his Nazi hunting, but does Steve listen?

Of course not! He's Steve Guttenberg! He's enthusiastic and dedicated! And, of course, he gets killed for his trouble. About 25 minutes into the movie.

But don't let that stop you from watching this - despite it's rampant Guttenberg killing, this is not a bad movie.

Mengele is trying to create a new Hitler, from 95 Hitler clones growing up around the world. The Hitler 2's are about 12 or 13 years old and Mengele is killing off their fathers because Hitler's dad died when he was that age. Lieberman finds out about the plot thanks to the good work of dead Steve Guttenberg, and tries to stop it. He and Mengele have a dramatic fight in the house of one of the Hitler 2's and Lieberman makes the dramatic decision not to have the Hitler clones killed. A LOT of time is spent explaining cloning, which was clearly necessary in 1978 but is a bit "Cloning? We get it. Shut up already." in 2006.

Anyway, for the only real drama in the Guttenberg filmography, it's good stuff.

Title: The Boys From Brazil

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 12

Purchased: on eBay

Price: £5.50

Seeing Steve killed by Nazis?: Priceless.