Bonus Time!

As you all know, the rules of the mission state that only feature film releases are included in the mission.

(Actually, to be fair, that seems to be a rule that I have that I've never put in writing. But you'll see that the official list of films only includes theatrical releases, not TV movies.)

Anyway, I was doing my standard Guttenberg browse on eBay, and I came across this little beauty. How could I resist? It's Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus!

Now, it's not a theatrical release. It's a 2004 TV movie, that my have aired on the Hallmark channel, but I'm not sure about that. But anway, it doesn't count towards the mission. But I still had to buy it.

Steve plays Nick, the son of Santa, who is required to take over from his dad after Christmas. And, of course, he needs a wife. Crystal Bernard, who I loved on Wings, plays the woman that he falls for and decides to marry. Can he win her over before Christmas? Oh the suspense!!

It's a cute holiday TV movie. That pretty much sums it up.

It does have its flaws. If I were Beth, Crystal's character, and I was the single mother of an eight year old, I would probably be a little wary of the single middle aged man who spends so much time with kids. But I am clearly more suspicious than she is. And Guttenberg's choice to laugh with a "ho ho ho" instead of a normal laugh is cute at first but got a teensy bit grating.

But for every minus, there's a plus, the biggest of which being the awesome Thomas Calabro, who played the even more awesome Dr. Michael Mancini on the awesome Melrose Place. (And yes, that sentence was totally worthy of three awesomes.) He's just awesome. There's nothing more to say. He plays Beth's boss and is truly delightful.

This may set a dangerous TV movie purchasing trend, but I love the Christmas movie and I love the Guttenberg.

What's a girl to do?

Awesome.

It's Captain Guttenberg!

Now, this is another one of those films that seems so obvious that I was sure I'd already added it to the mission. But, again, I was wrong.

Of course, I'd already seen this film. Who hasn't? I think it may be required by law. But I hadn't truly appreciated Steve's excellent contribution to the film.

He truly does shine in this, his only Ron Howard film, 1985's Cocoon.

The distributor of the DVD clearly realize that the appeal to the average consumer isn't in Wilford Brimley, or Jessica Tandy. No, DVD buyers are here for one reason and one reason only.

Steve Guttenberg.

Since I'm sure we all know the plot (old people made young by alien cocoons in a swimming pool, Guttenberg is the captain of the boat that aliens use to rescue their cocooned friends), I insead give you my random thoughts from watching the movie.

• Dude. Wilford Brimley just said "ball sack". Like I needed to hear that?
• 27 is Steve's character's favourite number? 27 is MY favourite number! This is spooky.
• Where the hell is that kid from? (He's Bastian from the Neverending Story! I had to look that up.)
• My two favourite alien guys are the ones that barely speak. They're just there and slightly surly. Awesome.
• Shirtless Guttenberg!
• Is it wrong that I'm kind of liking the shirtless Guttenberg?
• They are awfully reckless with the cocoons. You think they'd be slightly suspicious of them.
• Ew, the elderly are getting frisky.
• They're dancing! I wish I knew how to properly dance.
• "She's not normal" - I don't know what that means, but I wrote it down so it must be relevant.
• Awesome reason for swimming with the cocoons - "it's not bad for America, I guess"
• Dude. Wilford Brimley's wife is really loyal. She's all "if my husband says he saw people from outer space, then they were from outer space, get the police dammit!"
• Odd. I really remember the kid being in this more.
• And they say goodbye to their grandson but not their daughter. Man, she must have issues.
• Aw, bye Bernie!

Apparently, this movie made $100 million worldwide. And this was the 80's, so that actually meant something. Is it Steve's biggest hit? Well, according to the IMDB, no, but it's still pretty big.

And it's pretty good. Steve's very funny and charming. And although I could have done without the alien pool sex scene, I have no complaints at all about his performance. Well played Guttenberg. Well played.

Title: Cocoon

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 14

Purchased: on eBay (and I think someone gave me a copy too, but I forget who. Maybe Alexcia? Thanks dude!)

Price: £3.50

Never being able to erase the disturbing alien pool sex scene from my mind?: Priceless.

I swear to God, I thought I'd already done this one...

So, I'm sitting here on a Monday evening on a bank holiday weekend, and having just updated the mission for the first time in absolutely ages, I was just checking out the blog to make sure that all the links were up to date and what have you.

And what do I find? Well, in the lovely list indicating which films have been completed, I see Police Academy, Police Academy 3 and Police Academy 4. But what's this? No Police Academy 2? Well, that can't be right. I swear to you, I really honestly thought I'd done this one. I've seen the movie - and recently too, I'd thought. Yeah, I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

Not that I'd seen it, because I swear I have. But it hasn't been added to the project, which raised a bit of a moral dilemma. Because I've seen it before, do I really need to watch it again? I really wrestled with this one, I tell you. Ultimately, I felt that I really did have to watch it again, because I really couldn't remember anything specific about the film. Other than Cadet Carey Mahoney being a super cool beach cop. But that wasn't enough.

Do you see what I go through for you people?

And now, for the second time in recent memory, the 1985 sequel to the classic original, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment.

And of course, it's starring once again as your favourite cop and mine Carey Mahoney, one Mister Steve Guttenberg.

All our old favourites are back - Tackleberry, Hightower, the short girl one, the guy who makes noises, that guy who looks vaguely familiar but I can't really place. Good times, I tell you.

And man, the sight of Steve riding his beach bike thing wearing a sleeveless shirt and shorts with knee socks is one sexy image that's going to keep you up at night.

And this movie is PG-13, so that means boobs. Could you be more excited?

The title really says it all - it's their first assignment. The rookies are paired with other cops to counter the threat of a gang lead by Bobcat Goldwaith in his second ever film. Thanks a lot, Police Academy. Did they really need to inflict the world with him?

I did find it charming that although Steve is clearly the leading man here, they give Tackleberry the romantic subplot. He's charmed by his tough yet hot motorcycle partner.

It's a Police Academy movie. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. Wacky hi-jinks, inept criminals and inept cops eventually saving the day.

This one doesn't have a hot air balloon race, though. So means it can't be the best Police Academy movie ever, though it's certainly better than the third one.


Title: Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 15

Purchased: on eBay

Price: £2.50

Being slightly better than Police Academy 3?: Priceless.

Steve's Soccer Film, Take 2

As we all know, after the glory days of the Three Men & A Baby/Police Academy/Coccoon days, our good friend Steve Guttenberg made a bit of a career switch into the children's film.

(By the way, that pattern is closely mirrored in the films of one Mr. John Travolta - from Saturday Night Fever to Look Who's Talking. Do we see a suprising and yet fabulous career resurgance in an edgy yet hugely popular film on Steve's horizon? Perhaps.)

But I digress. This is the second Steve Guttenberg soccer film in the project, suggesting a secret love of the game. Once again, we see unruly and rebellious children being tamed by a caring foreign accented teacher, soccer and Steve Guttenberg. Seriously, these movies are really similar.

But this one's not Canadian, and therefore must be better. I give you 1995's The Big Green.

We clearly realize we're looking at a quality film, because we have only one name above the title - Steve Guttenberg. Classic.

And this is clearly an ideal childrens' film, because not only is there a shot of a kid being hit in the crotch with a soccer ball, but it promises to be the "wildest, wackiest football team ever!" Well, I don't know about you, but I'm excited!

Steve plays the sheriff in a small Texan town who, with the help of British teacher Olivia d'Abo gives the kids in his tiny town a reason to be proud of themselves, blah, blah, blah.

Actually, it wasn't too bad. It opened with an animated goat sequence, so you know you can't go wrong. And Steve's accent wasn't too bad at all. I think this may be the first film where he's used an accent, other than the hideous New Zealeand accent in Don't Tell Her It's Me, which we're never thinking of again, thanks very much. Anyway, this one's not too bad.

This is actually a pretty cute film. The kids are actually good - cute but not in a movie-puke-cute way, but in a real kid way. There's a bit of pre-teen romance which is adorable, an illegal immigrant B-plot which is a bit unexpected, and of course Steve's accent. You just can't go wrong.

And people, there's an animated goat. Excellent!

Title: The Big Green

Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 16

Purchased: on eBay

Price: £0.01 + delivery

Hearing Steve Guttenberg's Texan accent: Priceless.