Due to the upsetting burglary, and the subsequent lack of laptop at home, I have not been as good with the updating of the project as I would like. But never fear! Friend of the project Sarah has pointed me in the direction of something fabulous and Guttenberg related.
My friends, I give you The Mother Of All Trailers!
I've had this film for quite a while, but for some reason couldn't bring myself to watch it. Why is that, you ask?
Because it's about a dog and a dolphin that are in love.
Seriously.
It's 1997's Zeus and Roxanne.
Steve Guttenberg is that rare actor - the one who knows his range, and pretty much stays within it. He's a light comedy kind of guy.
Want someone to be a befuddled bachelor taking care of a baby? Done. Want a guy to fall in love with the ghost of Daryl Hannah with wacky results? Done. Want someone to play the most beloved police cadet of all time? Done, done, done and done. Want someone to play a dedicated young Nazi hunter? What
That's right. It's 1978's Boys From Brazil, costarring Gregory Peck and Sir Laurence Olivier.
I received a comment this morning, from longtime project supporter Abby.
Hello? Helloooooo? Anybody there? Could you hurry up and finish this list please, I would like to be able to go into a charity shop and not head straight for the video section on the hunt for a Gutt film. It's exhausting.
That is all.
And people, she's so right. I have let you all down, when you've been nothing but supportive (if slightly confused) of the project.
As I haven't posted since May (MAY! What is UP with that??) I will now present to you a treat I know you've all been holding your collective breath in gleeful anticipation of:
It's 1988's Cocoon: The Return!
I was lucky enough to be joined by project instigator Heather and flatmate Buffy as we watched Steve reprise the role of the charming Captain Jack Bonner. (That's right. He was Captain Jack long before any of this pirate nonsense.)
Apparently, I was wrong in my belief that all human beings who ever lived are familiar with the plot of these movies. For those of you who have not been delighted by the madcap Cocoon antics, it's pretty straighforward.
The oldies miss Earth and their families and friends, so they come back for a visit. Grandchildren have grown! Things have changed! Daughters are still ignored! Hussies try to corrupt good men! Friendship is important!
They all learn Important Lessons about being human, and most of them decide to stay on Earth, except the ones that got themselves knocked up.
The most amusing part of the film is the appearance of Courteney Cox as dedicated scientist Sara, who finds one of the cocoons, cracks it open and bonds with the alien inside until the mean old government comes along and ruins the fun for everyone. This was during her stint on Family Ties as Alex's girlfriend Lauren, which was certainly when I first became aware of her. Who'd have thought that it wasn't a co-starring role with the estimable Mr. Guttenberg that would propel her to stardom, but some sitcom?
Although Steve reconnects with his alien girlfriend from the first film, an upsetting dinner where she glows and levitates and is generally inappropriate shows him that there's no real long term future. Will he find love with scientist Sara? Oh, I think we all know the answer to that question.
Sadly, the VHS copy of this fine film purchased on eBay was slightly less than perfect. And by "slightly less", I mean that for the last hour of the film, the picture was all wavy and not nice and made a sound that Heather can imitate very well, but which I sadly cannot duplicate in writing.
But people, I am nothing if not dedicated to the project, so I will have you know that I watched it anyway. And I forced Buffy and Heather to watch it with me. I am that devoted to Steve, and to you.
So, although I didn't technically see the end of this movie, I've seen it before so we can cross yet another branch off the Guttenberg tree. (I really don't know where that analogy came from.)
Title: Cocoon: The Return
Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 13
Purchased: on eBay
Price: £5.45
Realizing that I will watch essentially unviewable copies of tapes just because of the project?: Priceless.
As you all know, the rules of the mission state that only feature film releases are included in the mission.
(Actually, to be fair, that seems to be a rule that I have that I've never put in writing. But you'll see that the official list of films only includes theatrical releases, not TV movies.)
Anyway, I was doing my standard Guttenberg browse on eBay, and I came across this little beauty. How could I resist? It's Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus!
Now, this is another one of those films that seems so obvious that I was sure I'd already added it to the mission. But, again, I was wrong.
Of course, I'd already seen this film. Who hasn't? I think it may be required by law. But I hadn't truly appreciated Steve's excellent contribution to the film.
He truly does shine in this, his only Ron Howard film, 1985's Cocoon.
Apparently, this movie made $100 million worldwide. And this was the 80's, so that actually meant something. Is it Steve's biggest hit? Well, according to the IMDB, no, but it's still pretty big.
And it's pretty good. Steve's very funny and charming. And although I could have done without the alien pool sex scene, I have no complaints at all about his performance. Well played Guttenberg. Well played.
Title: Cocoon
Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 14
Purchased: on eBay (and I think someone gave me a copy too, but I forget who. Maybe Alexcia? Thanks dude!)
Price: £3.50
Never being able to erase the disturbing alien pool sex scene from my mind?: Priceless.
So, I'm sitting here on a Monday evening on a bank holiday weekend, and having just updated the mission for the first time in absolutely ages, I was just checking out the blog to make sure that all the links were up to date and what have you.
And what do I find? Well, in the lovely list indicating which films have been completed, I see Police Academy, Police Academy 3 and Police Academy 4. But what's this? No Police Academy 2? Well, that can't be right. I swear to you, I really honestly thought I'd done this one. I've seen the movie - and recently too, I'd thought. Yeah, I was wrong, wrong, wrong.
Not that I'd seen it, because I swear I have. But it hasn't been added to the project, which raised a bit of a moral dilemma. Because I've seen it before, do I really need to watch it again? I really wrestled with this one, I tell you. Ultimately, I felt that I really did have to watch it again, because I really couldn't remember anything specific about the film. Other than Cadet Carey Mahoney being a super cool beach cop. But that wasn't enough.
Do you see what I go through for you people?
And now, for the second time in recent memory, the 1985 sequel to the classic original, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment.
As we all know, after the glory days of the Three Men & A Baby/Police Academy/Coccoon days, our good friend Steve Guttenberg made a bit of a career switch into the children's film.
(By the way, that pattern is closely mirrored in the films of one Mr. John Travolta - from Saturday Night Fever to Look Who's Talking. Do we see a suprising and yet fabulous career resurgance in an edgy yet hugely popular film on Steve's horizon? Perhaps.)
But I digress. This is the second Steve Guttenberg soccer film in the project, suggesting a secret love of the game. Once again, we see unruly and rebellious children being tamed by a caring foreign accented teacher, soccer and Steve Guttenberg. Seriously, these movies are really similar.
But this one's not Canadian, and therefore must be better. I give you 1995's The Big Green.
Title: The Big Green
Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 16
Purchased: on eBay
Price: £0.01 + delivery
Hearing Steve Guttenberg's Texan accent: Priceless.
So, I had this dream last night.
I was in LA, and walking to the Beverley Center (note: I have never been to the Beverley Center. It probably does not contain a Target, as it did in my dream.), you know because everyone walks in LA. Anyway, I go into one of the stores that opens to the outside and it's a music store, not unlike HMV, except not.
Anyway, I'm browsing through the bargain DVD section, and I come across a Steve Guttenberg movie that I'd been searching for for ages and ages. It's an obscure Sci-Fi movie starring Steve and Sandra Bullock. The cover is all blue and it's a shot of the two of them looking really sternly at the camera. I don't remember what it was called.
There were actually two versions of it, one with cast commentary for $10.99 and one without for $4.96. I was all torn - is the cast commentary really worth it?
I can't remember what happened after that, but obviously my subconscious is trying to shame me into updating the Project by inventing Steve Guttenberg movies and having me find them in gleeful bargain hunting sprees in Los Angeles.
Fine, subconscious. You win. This time.
This is actually a Guttenberg film that I'd seen before without realizing that Steve Guttenberg played a key role. Can you believe it? Oh, the sad days before I started being hyper-aware of his presence. I'm much happier that I'm in a constant state of Guttenberg awareness now.
Anyway. It's the Jodie Foster Thanksgiving film, 1995's Home For The Holidays!
Now, Steve Guttenberg's not really the star here. In fact, he doesn't make his first appearance until 40 minutes into the film. He plays the super-tense husband of the always funny Cynthia Stevenson, who plays the sister of star Holly Hunter.
Guttenberg's Walter (standard name of every super-tense husband in every film ever) doesn't have much to do, other than be annoyed by his brother-in-law Robert Downey Jr.
I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't much like this movie, mainly because I found the characters of Claudia (Holly Hunter's character) and Tommy (Robert Downey Jr.) so freaking annoying that I couldn't stand to watch them.
You're not supposed to sympathise with the hyper sister and her tense husband, but I did, because if I had to be realated to two such selfish and mean idiots, I'd probably act just the same way. I mean, they throw a turkey on her! Wouldn't you be upset if that happened?
Guttenberg's good, as always, but I probably wouldn't watch this again.
I do have to raise a complaint on behalf of the Gütt. In the family photo on the cover of the DVD, every single cast member present at the family Thanksgiving is there, except Steve Guttenberg. Outrageous I say! Even his kids are there, and they barely have speaking lines! If I were his agent, I would be writing a strongly worded letter of complaint. Strongly worded, I say!
Title: Home For The Holidays
Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 17
Purchased: on Amazon.co.uk
Price: £5.25
Hearing Guttenberg say "Beep beep, brother-in-law" to Robert Downey Jr: Priceless.
Seriously, how can you really describe this movie?
Helpful reader Ryan emailed me with a super fabulous resource for those of us that love us some Steve Guttenberg.
The Steve Guttenberg Facts, while possibly lacking in authenticity, are still utterly delightful.
Following the hugely popular Chuck Norris Facts model, you'll learn some surprising things about our good buddy Steve.
I like this one for its Norris tie-in:
Once, while on a walk, Steve Guttenberg ran into Chuck Norris. He waved and said hello, but Chuck Norris ignored him. Guttenberg pondered this encounter the entire way home and ended up writing poetry for the rest of the day.
Good times, I tell you. He may be less tough than Chuck Norris, but he's no less loveable.
Now, unless you've been living under a very large and heavy rock since 1987, you may be aware of the phenomenon of the Olsen Twins. (Funny story, when I was a kid I thought there were three of them - Mary, Kate and Ashley Olsen.)
These two crazy kids have been making movies since Full House ended in 1995. I have had the unfortunate pleasure of seeing several of these movies. I'm not proud, mind you. I'm just saying.
However, I seem to have missed the "classic" 1995 film It Takes Two starring one Mister Steve Guttenberg along with Kirstie Alley, in what was in a string of bad post-Cheers films.
Clearly, we are a the height of Alley fame here, as she trumps our man in the credits game.
It's basically a poor man's Parent Trap. It's even a poor man's Parent Trap remake. In terms of acting ability, the Olsens definitely rank behind both Hayley Mills and Lindsay Lohan. And they only have to play one twin each. Slackers.
They don't seem to be actual twins though - they're identical strangers! You know how often that happens. I think I saw it on the news yesterday.
Anyway, Steve-o plays the dad of the rich twin, Alyssa. Kirstie is the case worker of the poor twin, Amanda. She wants to adopt her, but the man gets in the way because he doesn't want kids adopted by poor, single moms. Steve has fallen in love with a rich lady, Clarice (Carol from Friends in a BAD wig), who, you'll never guess, is eeeeeeeeevil. By a completely wacky coincidence, Amanda ends up at a summer camp across from Alyssa's house.
If you can't guess the plot from here, then I am so, so sad for you. You need to stop having a real life and sit down on your couch and watch a LOT more bad tv.
There's not really more to say about this movie. It's an Olsen Twins movie. Of course it's bad. But Steve's not too bad, consider he's in a freakin' Olsen Twins movie. And isn't that what matters?
Title: It Takes Two
Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 19
Purchased: on eBay
Price: £2.50
Knowing that Steve was right in there at the start of the Olsen empire: Priceless.
**Edited to add - I've just found out I know the woman who did extras casting on this movie. I'm one degree from the Gutt!
This one is a little bit special.
It's the first Guttenberg film. A full ten years before he would dazzle us in Three Men & A Baby, a young Steve Guttenberg proudly donned the mantle of "professional actor" as he took on the challenging and special role of Mike Cappelletti in the classic film A Question of Life (aka Something for Joey). Do you think it was a coincidence that this momentous occasion occurred in the year in which I was born? Me neither.
This is based on the true story about the relationship between Penn State football player John Cappelletti and his younger brother Joey, who has leukemia. John and Joey's bond is a strong one. Joey hangs out with John in the Penn State locker room, and inspires him to be the top college football player in the country. Their bond knows no boundaries and goes beyond making touchdowns and winning awards.
Of all the films featured in the Steve Guttenberg Project, this is the film that has had the most devoted searcher.
You may remember that way back in July, a mere week or so after the mission started, Abby had a possible lead on the classic film Three Men & A Little Lady. Sadly, it turned out she was thinking of a copy of Sister Act recorded off the television that her mother had thrown out.
I appreciated her attempt, but figured that this was one that I’d have to track down for myself. Imagine my delight when I received this email:
Hello Alice,
Remember when I led you on by telling you that I could get you a copy of Three
Men and a Little Lady? And it turned out to be a cruel lie?Well, I was so upset at having to let you down that I have been trawling the
charity shops of Beckenham High Street ever since, and on Saturday I got my
reward!Yes, I have found you a copy of 3MAALL! Hooray!!
So, if you would be so kind as to send me your address, I'll pop Mr G and his crazy pals in the post to you!
He he!
Abby
How amazing is that? I sent her my address and before you knew it, I had my hands on this little beauty.
I firmly believe that Steve Guttenberg is at his most likeable as comic writer and one-of-three dads Michael.
He has a bit of the unfortunate role in this movie of being neither Mary’s biological father (Ted Danson) or her mother’s love interest (Tom Selleck). He’s more the fun dad who brings you presents and plays with you, but who you really wouldn’t rely on for anything serious.
I especially appreciated this film because I live in England now, and of course, the dramatic climax of the movie involves Tom Selleck’s Peter flying to England to stop the marriage of Mary’s mother to some director guy.
We then get a nice lesson in “American stereotypes of the British”. Unpleasant director man lives in a huge English manor, he’s incredibly posh, they won’t let Mary do things like play inside, they’re going to send her to boarding school, blah, blah, blah.
There are some “hilarious” moments in involving Peter and Michael driving a mini through a road full of sheep.
But the plot’s not really the point here, is it?
We’re looking at our good buddy Steve and his delightful antics. I have two words for you – bedtime rap.
How can you not love ANY movie that contains Ted Danson wearing an alarm clock around his neck as the three of them painfully “rap”?
Title: Three Men & A Little Lady
Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 21
Purchased: By the lovely and fabulous Abby
Trying to erase the bedtime rap from my mind: Priceless.
Amazon Women on the Moon is a bit of an odd fish in the world of the Guttenberg film.
It doesn’t star Steve, or really anyone for that matter. It’s more like a series of sketches (some very funny, some just strange and some painfully unfunny) one of which stars our good buddy Steve Guttenberg.
Let’s concentrate on his sketch, called "Two I.D.'s", since that’s why we’re here. He plays a young man who arrives to pick up Rosanna Arquette for a blind date. To his (and our!) hilarious surprise, she demands a credit card and some ID before the date, and does a relationship check. And what does she find? Why, he’s a bit of a player and has a saucy reputation of using the same lines to get the ladies in the sack.
I mock, but it’s actually quite funny.
The rest of the movie is a bit hit and miss, but such is the nature of such an odd film.
This movie was released at the height of Guttenberg fame – just post Police Academy and pre Three Men & A Baby.
I’d probably watch it again, but skip through the not funny bits.
Huh. I have surprisingly little to say about this movie. Odd.
Title: Amazon Women on the Moon
Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 22
Purchased: On ebay
Price: £2.85
Hearing Steve Guttenberg use a line about sushi to seduce the ladies: Priceless.
What do you get when you combine orphans on the brink of homelessness, soccer, a French Canadian social worker and the Gütt as a scandal ridden former athlete (or coach, or something like that)?
The best darn Canadian film I’ve seen in absolutely ages.
It’s 1998’s Home Team, and it’s fun for the whole family.
Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 23
Purchased: On ebay
Price: £3.00
Fantastically cheesy Canadian goodness: Priceless.
This is one of the most exciting Gütt films – it’s one of the ones I was actually looking forward to owning. It’s 1982’s Diner!
I purchased it in the great Ebay binge of Summer 2005, but since I haven’t been adding to the mission as often as I should, the delightful Alexcia brought me a copy on DVD. See you later VHS copy!
For those of you not familiar with this classic film (and you all should be, so go and rent it immediately if you haven’t seen it already), it’s set in Baltimore in the late 50’s.
The Gütt plays Eddie, one of six friends who hang out at a diner (hence the title) in Baltimore. The movie’s not really about anything. It’s more the relationships between the guys, and their girlfriends/wives. But not in a pukey, sappy way.
Steve’s character Eddie has one of the classic moments in the film – he gives a football (for you Brits, that’s American football, not soccer) quiz to his fiancée two days before his wedding. If she fails, the wedding’s off. Clearly, this guy is a keeper.
This film has some of my favourite movie dialogue of all time. I can’t think of another movie that captures the way friends really talk to each other – it’s full of conversations that don’t advance the plot or serve any purpose other than being hi-freaking-larious.
This one may be my favourite. And, of course, it features the Gütt.
MODELL (to Eddie): What's that, roast beef?
EDDIE: Don't ask me this anymore, Modell. Yes.
MODELL: Gonna finish that?
EDDIE: Yeah, I'm gonna finish it. I paid for it; I'm not going to give it to you.
MODELL: Because if you're not gonna finish it, I would eat it...but if you're gonna eat it—
EDDIE: What do you want?! Say the words.
MODELL: No,...if you're gonna eat it, you eat; that's all right.
EDDIE: Say the words: "I want the roast-beef sandwich." Say the words, and I'll give you a piece.
SHREVIE: Would you guys cut this out? I mean, every time…
It’s also a film that’s chock full o' future stars. It co-stars Kevin Bacon (in his first major role), Ellen Barkin (in her first film), Daniel Stern (first major role), Mickey Rourke (before he became a scary plastic man), Paul Reiser (in his first film), Timothy Daly (ditto), and of course, the Gütt.
Amusingly, at the time, Steve was the actor with the most experience. And, of all the cast, has he gone on to the most illustrious career? I’ll leave that for you to decide.
The DVD has the added bonus of a documentary featuring interviews with all the cast, and director Barry Levinson. It’s very enjoyable, made even more so by the tantalizing absence of Mickey Rourke and several veiled comments to arguments and stress amongst the cast. Could Mickey Rouke be involved in a 20 year feud with the Gütt? We can only hope so!
Title: Diner
Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 24
Purchased: By Alexcia, and delivered all the way from Canada.
Owning a movie I probably would have bought anyway: Priceless.
I've had a lot of support for the project, from lots of people, and it's all been very exciting. Some people have searched for any Guttenberg film, and some people have been keeping their eyes open for one particular film.
Sarah is one of the second group. And which film was it that she was looking for?
Casper: A Spirited Beginning.
Interesting, no?
But strange motives for purchases aside, her own personal mission means that we can tick another box on the Guttenberg mission.
Released in 1997, this is a weird mix of CGI and live action. It begins with a train journey with young Casper trying to figure out what's going on and where he is. Because he is a dead little boy who doesn't realize that he's dead.
Clearly, the perfect beginning to a children's movie.
Steve plays the father of the kid on the front. He is a BAD DAD. He's an architect who is trying to revitalize his town by pulling down haunted old abandonded mansions and put up strip malls. Lori Loughlin, also known as television's favourite Aunt Becky, plays the kid's teacher, who is violently opposed to the pulling down of haunted old abandonded mansions and putting up strip malls.
Will these crazy opposites attract? Oh, I think they will.
There's a LOT of overacting in this movie, but from everyone, so we can't really place the blame on poor Steve Guttenberg.
It ends up with everyone living happily ever after and no one pulls down the haunted old abandonded masion.
Title: Casper - A Spirited Beginning
Steve Guttenberg Films Still To Be Collected: 25
Purchased: By the delightful Miss Sherlock
Steve as a BAD DAD who is reformed by a ghost: Priceless.
Via the LA Daily News:
DOING HIS ALL: Steve Guttenberg is calling upon fellow famous folk to roll up their sleeves and get to work, literally, on behalf of Hurricane Katrina evacuees. He decided to do just that and arrived at the Houston Astrodome last Tuesday. There, he's been working as an American citizen, he says, rather than as a celebrity - doing everything from loading cots to sanitizing toys to taking evacuees to buy supplies. He says he will stay "as long as I can," until he starts a movie at month's end. "I feel blessed in that I was able to come. I don't have a 9-to-5 job. What's great about being well-known is, when you come down here anonymously, put on a baseball cap and a wristband and do regular jobs, people 'discover' you, and they get a great kick out of it," says Guttenberg - who's getting so much recognition from "Police Academy" fans, he's reaching out to other "Police Academy" cast members to come join him.
He holds the strong view that "it's time to help, not time to have a big party with celebrities congratulating themselves and doing their latest hit songs. It's like watching the Oscars - rich people getting awards. That's why I'm respecting Sean Penn - he's down here with the people.
